June 10th 2007
I have such strange thoughts for someone of such small stature. So much sadness fills my body that sometimes I feel as though my head will burst. I do NOT regret, I will NOT dwell on my decisions, I live and I carry on. Yet I do wonder...
I am so young, and yet I have seen so much, I have seen to much. I dont ask for pity, I wont ask for love. I am stronger and smarter than that. I will sit here in the silence of my thoughts and learn to accept them. I will learn.
But what have I done? I have run from home. I have buried myself in a new culture, in a new city, but I am still haunted. I am still lost. I sit in my room, with it's bed and it's chair for hours upon hours, only because I can't face the people on the other side of my door. I wander the city moving in and out of the same shops, picking up and putting down the same objects, and I wonder when it will stop.
This is not what I want, this is NOT who I am. I have come here, in the guise of love, in the hope of life, but i find nothing. I want to make myself believe that I have done the right thing, that I have made decisions that will make me different and beautiful and mysterious. But what good are these things if I am unhappy?
I am so tired, my head aches with thoughts of the past, and while I know I should let them fly, I cannot. I do not reminisce, I simply frown upon what I see in the tomorrows of my life.
I have always been fascinated by the past, the pasts of other peoples, other cultures, other lives, anyones but my own. I think I have finally been thrust back down from my silver lookout. I must make a life out of what I have been given. I am so young, and yet to old to start again. But I do NOT regret. I will NOT regret.
I will carry on.
Listen and you shall find that there is nothing left to say